Loneliness
I've just finished my first cooked dinner in my new home for the next 12 months. I moved in yesterday, but I had to go grocery shopping and to a church board meeting. This is my first night truly alone.
I'm far too objective about my feelings; I try to assess how I'm feeling. I'm analyzing my loneliness and considering the implications for myself—personality and future—and how I can generalize those implications to general humanity. More than that though, I'm embracing the loneliness. Gladly.
No facebook. No television running. No texting new friends or finding something to do. This is good. Feeling that raw gnawing feeling in the gut that never really leaves.
“What about God?” is on auto-response, I know. And yes, there is an enrapture of love and peace when I'm spending time with Him here, living on my own. He is so sweet ('tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...). But my God is not a crutch. Even in His presence, even when He is my all in all, it's there. A little loneliness that just can't be kicked. And there's something beautiful about it. It's embracing the dependency of humanity. It's recognizing the brilliant blend of frailty and strength. It's sharing in the daily trod of my millions of brothers and sisters living in a full and busy world but who, inside, are filled with nothing.
It's amazing, we can do everything to ignore it, to suppress the discomfort and drown it out, but there isn't a single pain killer in the loneliness line. Praise God that we can never escape our need of others, our need of Him, and most of all our need of something more than this life; a new life to come.
~While we were still sinners, He endured the shame; how can I ever be ashamed?
-Colton J. Stollenmaier, M.I.A.
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